In the realm of romantic relationships, sexual attraction is a topic that often stirs complex emotions and uncertainties. It’s not uncommon for individuals to find themselves in partnerships where the spark of sexual attraction is dim or missing altogether. As a therapist, I frequently encounter heterosexual male clients who confess to selecting their life partners without giving due consideration to sexual attraction.

During couples therapy sessions, some men express bewilderment about their waning desire for their partners. They cite stress, low testosterone levels, or anxiety as potential culprits for their diminished desire. However, when these same men confide in me during individual sessions, they often reveal a different narrative. They admit that they initially chose their partners without prioritizing sexual attraction, viewing it as a less significant factor.

This raises several intriguing questions: Why would someone decide to commit to a life partner without feeling the initial spark of sexual attraction? Can these relationships not only survive but also thrive? Is it possible to cultivate sexual attraction if it was lacking from the beginning?

I’ve had in-depth conversations with many men in their 30s who share a common sentiment: “When I found the woman I wanted to marry, she checked all the boxes. Except one.” Their lists of desirable qualities typically include characteristics such as “being my best friend,” “will make an amazing mother,” “our friends and families get along so well,” and “she really loves me.” Strikingly absent from this list is sexual attraction, a quality that often doesn’t even make the initial cut.

This phenomenon may perplex some, as sexuality is often seen as the distinguishing factor that separates a romantic relationship from a platonic one. It serves as a unique form of “relationship glue” that helps couples weather challenging times. Given this, it’s perplexing that many individuals downplay the importance of sexual attraction when selecting a partner for a long-term commitment.

Research suggests that while physical attractiveness is typically considered an important trait in a romantic partner, it doesn’t always top the list of priorities for both men and women. Traits such as intelligence, humor, honesty, and kindness are often regarded as equally, if not more, vital in forming a connection.

One plausible explanation for the diminished emphasis on sexual attraction may lie in the internalized perception of women as belonging to one of two categories: those who make great wives and mothers and those who are sexually adventurous. This reductionist view can lead to the neglect of sexual attraction in the partner selection process.

The Importance of Sexual Attraction in a Relationship

A man holding down a woman's hand in bed

It’s important to acknowledge the significance of sexual attraction in a relationship. A satisfying and fulfilling sexual connection between partners offers several benefits, including:

Psychological Well-Being: Good sex can help protect against psychological distress, such as anxiety and depression. It fosters a deeper emotional connection and contributes to increased relationship satisfaction.

Relationship Satisfaction: Sexual intimacy enhances overall relationship satisfaction and helps couples stay connected and engaged with each other.

Physical Health: Healthy sexual activity is akin to essential nourishment for your body. It improves your circulation and is vital for maintaining overall physical health.

In my experience, it’s feasible for women to cultivate desire for their partners through dedicated effort. However, the same doesn’t hold true for men. If a man lacks initial desire for his partner, the likelihood of developing it later is minimal. The wiser approach is to prioritize sexual attraction in partner selection to ensure it’s present from the outset.

However, it’s important to acknowledge that lower levels of sexual attraction aren’t necessarily problematic for all couples. While some may perceive it as a cause of infidelity or divorce, others may find it only becomes an issue when societal expectations surrounding sex and desire are factored in. The pressure to maintain active and passionate sex lives can often lead individuals to view any lack of sexual attraction as a problem requiring a solution.

Despite these complexities, some of my therapist colleagues caution against overemphasizing the immediate importance of sexual attraction. They argue that attraction can develop and grow over time as individuals get to know each other, experience increased closeness, and deepen their emotional connection. Trying to use sex toys can also increase the sexual attraction of both couples, if you want to try the latest rosetoy, welcome to pick up at our website.

How to Rekindle the Flame in Your Relationship

If you and your partner are grappling with dwindling sexual desire or wish to enhance the passion in a relationship where it was initially lacking, there are various strategies to consider. It’s important to remember that there’s no one-size-fits-all solution, and couples should collaboratively explore what works best for them.

Open Communication: Honest and open communication is paramount. Partners should discuss their feelings, desires, and concerns openly without judgment.

Exploration of Options: Couples may explore non-monogamous relationships if it aligns with their desires and values. It’s essential to determine the level of honesty and transparency that both partners are comfortable with.

Prioritizing Intimacy: Recognize the value of intimacy beyond traditional sexual activity. Focusing on emotional and physical closeness can strengthen the bond between partners.

Seeking Professional Guidance: If sexual issues persist, consider seeking the guidance of a qualified therapist or counselor who specializes in sexual and relationship issues. They can provide tailored strategies to address your specific concerns.


In conclusion, the role of sexual attraction in a relationship is multifaceted and varies from person to person. While some prioritize it from the beginning, others may find it developing over time. Understanding and addressing the dynamics of sexual attraction is essential for fostering a healthy and fulfilling relationship. Regardless of the circumstances, open communication and a willingness to explore solutions are key to navigating the complexities of sexual attraction within a partnership.